That awkward moment where

You realize that someone you were really close with in high school unfriended you on facebook at some point and you have no idea when because you aren't close now...and also the fact that everyone you knew through them has unfriended you... It shouldn't bother me, but I'm really beginning to think it does.....

Am I upset because I was her maid of honor and she was in my wedding? Because now all those photos are stupid looking? I suppose it follows in tradition, because my mom had the same thing happen, as did one of my closest friends. But no, I don't think that's it.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel lied to. And cheated. And angry. And like history repeats itself.

My best friend from middle through most of high school and I do not talk. We don't even attempt it. The last time we spoke was in 2004, and I'm plenty fine with that. We didn't have a huge fight or anything, but we were just better off not as friends. Personally, I think she was jealous of a lot of things in my life and chose to take it out on me. But that's just me.

In the interim, this other person entered in a much larger fashion than she had been previously. We became inseparable, especially the summer between high school and college. I went down with her to interview for her college job on two occasions, both for the interview and for the drug test. We hung out during first and second year of college on a regular basis and she asked me to be her maid of honor.

But when she got too homesick and decided to go home after 2nd year, we didn't speak as much. And we only spoke when I called her. I suppose I should have given up the MOH title, but I didn't really realize that anything was wrong. I threw her a shower (which most of the other bridesmaids were of no help during [there were two who were awesome]) and a bachelorette party. I gave a lovely speech with an amazing inside joke at the wedding, something that I knew we'd share forever.

She and her husband came to our engagement party at our house. But he looked uncomfortable. And unhappy. She did all of her bridesmaid duties, coming to the shower, coming to the bachelorette party, etc. But at our wedding, he wouldn't dance with her. When I inquired, she told me he only dances when he's drunk, which either meant that he was drunk at his own wedding or that she was lying to me.

In the over four years since I got married, I have not seen her once.

I have spoken to her on the phone, but only when I called. There were a few times where I messaged her on facebook, emailed her and called, but when nothing is given in return, it makes you want to stop trying. We stopped inviting them to events that we held because they never responded (which, lets be honest, is just rude).

I could be upset because I feel like I got dumped. When I was the one putting in the effort, I got tossed aside.

But the reality is that it does not take a lot to be friends with people on facebook. I have friends from high school on facebook who I NEVER talk to. Like ever. But it's nice to see what they've been up to, nice to see when things are really good for them, etc. The same goes for just about everyone that you don't talk to on a normal basis. And if say, during election season, you can't stand seeing someone's political posts, well then you can hide their posts from view.

But to completely unfriend someone takes effort and forethought. Her husband had unfriended me quite some time ago and I didn't put much thought into it. I was quite certain that he did not like my partner and never would. (I recall when he met my partner, he told me that "I could do better" and "we know who wears the pants in the relationship." What that truly means, I suppose I'll never know.)

The more thought I put into this, the more upset and hurt I am. Which is why I'm blogging about it. Which is why I'm blogging in general after not having done so since March of 2011. The more upset I get, the more angry and hurt I am and the more likely I am to withdraw from new friends, lest they hurt me in the future.

Which is not a way to live life.

So I'm putting my feelings here, out in the open, for all to see. In the hopes that by re-reading this in a year when I have to see this person again (one of our mutual friends is getting married and we'll both be at the shower, bachelorette party and wedding together), my anger will have subsided.

Do I care that we're no longer friends? Yes, but I got over that a year ago. I guess it's the fact that if there was something she wanted from me, she couldn't reach her arm across and ask for it. If she wanted friendship, she never thought to speak to me about it.