Floundering

There are times I feel like I have it under control. That I can manage whatever comes next.

This is not one of those times.

I feel like I'm floundering. Like I'm drowning. I can't keep my footing and everything is falling apart.

Let's start at the beginning.

Let's not really discuss the toddler in the room, the traitor in the white house. 1-because I don't want to and 2-because we understand it's the kicking off point. It starts the depression, the anxiety, the fear. But more than that fuels it.

It's work. It's home. It's my sweetie. It's my kiddo. It's me. It's everything.

I don't feel like I'm progressing at work. I feel stagnant, stuck in a job that holds no way to move up. Which makes no sense in my family-owned, family-run company when it's MY family. But it doesn't feel like they want me to move up, like they feel I can. And maybe it's just that I haven't shown that I want to. But when I'm told, over and over and over again, that I'm not ready to project manage, that I don't have the IH experience to be able to do it on my own, I get discouraged. And I know they've told others in the past who couldn't handle it the same thing, so now I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing here if they don't think I can handle it. One coworker who is one year older than me (but with more experience, I concede that fact) has already moved herself into a managerial position, and here I am back in the dust.

Not to mention that two people who in my opinion don't deserve to be vice presidents just got promoted to vice president. What the hell is a point of a vice president unless it's a fucking sorority? Our company isn't big enough to allow this sort of crap.

And talking about this at home is difficult, because my feelings get intensified by someone who loves me to my core and back again. Sweetie wants the best for me, but there are times they get more heated than I do. And then it starts me off on a tangent I can't stomach, where they tell me that the company doesn't believe in me and doesn't have a future at all, which is certainly one way of looking at it. But are my above feelings reflective of their suggestions or do I really feel this way?

And home is hard. It's hard. This time of year is harder because of Halloween. And it's all been made harder for the kiddo because the 2 kids on our street moved--1 each year. We haven't even seen the last kid who moved whose mom kept insisting we'd see them more often. And when I try to reach out, to say my kid is hurting, can you help me, I get back "well my kid is soooooo busy," which basically is a fuck off. And it hurts. And it's painful. And it affects my fucking kid. How dare you affect my kid so deeply and not even give a shit about it? The fact that I haven't ripped her a new one for not giving a rat's ass is amazing to me.

Not to mention the fact that kiddo feels so sad every day because they don't get to see their "sister" (kid from school last year who was the only other only child in the class) as often. The little girl ends up at kiddo's school at the end of the day, but kiddo has only seen her twice. And thus it becomes a daily conversation of how much kiddo misses "my sister." It's gut wrenching, because this little girl seemed to take glee and joy in hurting my kiddo, not wanting to say hi, not wanting to play, etc. but yet my kiddo misses this child so much.

And that seems to be a theme. My kiddo missing others. And it makes me wonder if any of them have any care or concern for my kid. Do they miss my kid? Do they care about my kid? Does anyone ever give a shit about anything?

And that pushes into new territory. Sweetie and I want to homeschool our kiddo. Public school is far too scary these days to send kiddo there. Between school shootings, sexual harassment, and poor instruction, we feel like things are better off with us. We'll do the charter school thing, where kiddo goes 1-2 days per week to a school, has a park day with tons of kids and is involved in a crapton of other activities. But this also plays back into that missing others aspect. Will my kiddo feel they are missing out? I honestly, completely and totally don't know. But it gives me more anxiety than I care to be honest about.

But back to home. Sweetie feels unmotivated and can't find motivation, which I cannot understand for anything simply because you do shit that needs to be done. I cannot comprehend not doing the laundry because you can't find motivation. Needing clothing to wear should be enough. Trying to have a clean house should be enough. And when I ask for help, I don't get it. Sweetie says they'll help out more, but when I ask for specific things, I have to ask multiple times and it still doesn't get done. So when I ask again, Sweetie gets mad that I've asked and now I'm in more of a pickle than before. And it's not fair, but I don't know how to fix it.

I'm floundering. I'm drowning. And I see no end in sight.

I just got rid of the hormonal birth control and so now I can see all of this. I couldn't before, as I was in a fog. But I see it all now. And I don't know how to fix it.