Floundering

There are times I feel like I have it under control. That I can manage whatever comes next.

This is not one of those times.

I feel like I'm floundering. Like I'm drowning. I can't keep my footing and everything is falling apart.

Let's start at the beginning.

Let's not really discuss the toddler in the room, the traitor in the white house. 1-because I don't want to and 2-because we understand it's the kicking off point. It starts the depression, the anxiety, the fear. But more than that fuels it.

It's work. It's home. It's my sweetie. It's my kiddo. It's me. It's everything.

I don't feel like I'm progressing at work. I feel stagnant, stuck in a job that holds no way to move up. Which makes no sense in my family-owned, family-run company when it's MY family. But it doesn't feel like they want me to move up, like they feel I can. And maybe it's just that I haven't shown that I want to. But when I'm told, over and over and over again, that I'm not ready to project manage, that I don't have the IH experience to be able to do it on my own, I get discouraged. And I know they've told others in the past who couldn't handle it the same thing, so now I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing here if they don't think I can handle it. One coworker who is one year older than me (but with more experience, I concede that fact) has already moved herself into a managerial position, and here I am back in the dust.

Not to mention that two people who in my opinion don't deserve to be vice presidents just got promoted to vice president. What the hell is a point of a vice president unless it's a fucking sorority? Our company isn't big enough to allow this sort of crap.

And talking about this at home is difficult, because my feelings get intensified by someone who loves me to my core and back again. Sweetie wants the best for me, but there are times they get more heated than I do. And then it starts me off on a tangent I can't stomach, where they tell me that the company doesn't believe in me and doesn't have a future at all, which is certainly one way of looking at it. But are my above feelings reflective of their suggestions or do I really feel this way?

And home is hard. It's hard. This time of year is harder because of Halloween. And it's all been made harder for the kiddo because the 2 kids on our street moved--1 each year. We haven't even seen the last kid who moved whose mom kept insisting we'd see them more often. And when I try to reach out, to say my kid is hurting, can you help me, I get back "well my kid is soooooo busy," which basically is a fuck off. And it hurts. And it's painful. And it affects my fucking kid. How dare you affect my kid so deeply and not even give a shit about it? The fact that I haven't ripped her a new one for not giving a rat's ass is amazing to me.

Not to mention the fact that kiddo feels so sad every day because they don't get to see their "sister" (kid from school last year who was the only other only child in the class) as often. The little girl ends up at kiddo's school at the end of the day, but kiddo has only seen her twice. And thus it becomes a daily conversation of how much kiddo misses "my sister." It's gut wrenching, because this little girl seemed to take glee and joy in hurting my kiddo, not wanting to say hi, not wanting to play, etc. but yet my kiddo misses this child so much.

And that seems to be a theme. My kiddo missing others. And it makes me wonder if any of them have any care or concern for my kid. Do they miss my kid? Do they care about my kid? Does anyone ever give a shit about anything?

And that pushes into new territory. Sweetie and I want to homeschool our kiddo. Public school is far too scary these days to send kiddo there. Between school shootings, sexual harassment, and poor instruction, we feel like things are better off with us. We'll do the charter school thing, where kiddo goes 1-2 days per week to a school, has a park day with tons of kids and is involved in a crapton of other activities. But this also plays back into that missing others aspect. Will my kiddo feel they are missing out? I honestly, completely and totally don't know. But it gives me more anxiety than I care to be honest about.

But back to home. Sweetie feels unmotivated and can't find motivation, which I cannot understand for anything simply because you do shit that needs to be done. I cannot comprehend not doing the laundry because you can't find motivation. Needing clothing to wear should be enough. Trying to have a clean house should be enough. And when I ask for help, I don't get it. Sweetie says they'll help out more, but when I ask for specific things, I have to ask multiple times and it still doesn't get done. So when I ask again, Sweetie gets mad that I've asked and now I'm in more of a pickle than before. And it's not fair, but I don't know how to fix it.

I'm floundering. I'm drowning. And I see no end in sight.

I just got rid of the hormonal birth control and so now I can see all of this. I couldn't before, as I was in a fog. But I see it all now. And I don't know how to fix it.

Figuring things out

So the past few weeks, I really haven't felt like myself. It's sort of a weird feeling, to know that you aren't yourself. I keep thinking something is going to snap me out of it, and yet I just keep delving deeper and deeper into it.

I can't really say when it started, but I'd like to say when we really started looking at houses hard-core. It was sort of a "OMG, I'm an adult" type of a moment. As many of you know, I still feel like I'm 16 most of the time. Getting married was a little weird, but since we'd been living together, it didn't feel like much had changed. We're both so vibrant and young at heart, it seems like I just live with my best friend whom I share a bed and intimacies with.

I thought things would change when we got married. They didn't really, but now I'm realizing just how much they have. I worry about things more. I worry about money, I worry about finding a house. I worry about having kids (see further below) and I worry about my Sweetie. Worrying has become a part of my every day life and I think it's taking its toll on me. My worries are invading my dreams, my head and my fantasies. I keep fantasizing about winning the lottery and not having to worry anymore. I don't think about the great this I could buy or the great that I could buy, but about being okay.

Sometimes just a touch from Sweetie will momentarily bring me back to sanity. But most times, I'm in a dream state, just drifting from one place to another, from one experience to another. That's not to say it isn't me, but sometimes I feel like someone different. It's much better than when I was on the other birth control pills, when I couldn't control my temper and anger, when I rolled my eyes when I should have consoled, when I fought when I should have hugged. Things are better now, but I need them to be even better.

Talking to a doctor just seems stupid. There are no tests to prove if you are crazy, no exams to show you need help. There is no tutor that can help though life and I just feel like I'm spinning out of control.

A lot of it I feel probably has to do with the 6-8 people I know that are pregnant and due between now and September. That's not a lot of people, you might say. People have babies every day, you might say. And yes, I know this. But when so many people close to me are having babies and I still feel like I'm 16 years old, it begins to mess with my head. One of my oldest childhood friends is pregnant and I saw her on Sunday. She looked wonderful, but really big. I asked if I could touch her tummy and she said yes. Doing so creeped me out. It put me in a daze I'm not sure I'm out of yet. It scares me. It honestly does. I watched a show called "16 and Pregnant" on MTV and got the shit really scared out of me.

I know Sweetie will be ready before I am, but part of me worries that I'll never be ready. The coworker said that when you don't think you are ready, you more than likely are. I don't think that's true and even the mere suggestion makes me almost want to hurl. I can't really explain it. All I know is that babies are fun; I like to play with them, but my FAVORITE part is giving them back to their parents. And I know I joke around about that, but its the gods to honest truth. I am actually afraid of babies. About where they come from and about the process that creates them.

I am afraid for the future of our lives, with the talk of war with North Korea and Iran. I actually ignore that section of the news so I don't deepen the pit that is this daze. Death is not something I can discuss well and it is the "unfortunate side effect of war" as so many would put it. And having children just means that they'll die in the long run as well, which is probably what this is all about.

As you can see as I've turned off the comments section. I just needed a place to write, a place to type and a place to let loose. Talking usually helps with this, but since I have no idea what the problem is, it's hard to discuss.

First post

I'm beginning to freak out.

I've realized that any decision I make is one I'm making for two people. And yes I know that's what happens when you get married, but the reality of it is that it's coming up. I keep having dreams where I'm in love with someone else. No one in particular, but it's someone. I know I'm just freaking out, but there's certain levels to which I can handle it. I've been really calm when it comes to this. People even commented how calm I was and I knew that I'd start to freak out. I'll bet everyone goes through this, the problem is that it's unfamiliar territory to me. And I know how well I do with unfamiliar territory -- Not Well!

I know that things will turn out as they should, for I have faith in the universe. I also know that I really really want to get into the PhD program. I want them to accept me before I've taken the GRE or even applied. It would be so nice to get in, although really stupid too. I mean, I went to UCSD for undergrad and then moved to OC. To then go back to SD is amusing, to say the least. But I really hope that this is the direction that our lives go in.