So the past few weeks, I really haven't felt like myself. It's sort of a weird feeling, to know that you aren't yourself. I keep thinking something is going to snap me out of it, and yet I just keep delving deeper and deeper into it.
I can't really say when it started, but I'd like to say when we really started looking at houses hard-core. It was sort of a "OMG, I'm an adult" type of a moment. As many of you know, I still feel like I'm 16 most of the time. Getting married was a little weird, but since we'd been living together, it didn't feel like much had changed. We're both so vibrant and young at heart, it seems like I just live with my best friend whom I share a bed and intimacies with.
I thought things would change when we got married. They didn't really, but now I'm realizing just how much they have. I worry about things more. I worry about money, I worry about finding a house. I worry about having kids (see further below) and I worry about my Sweetie. Worrying has become a part of my every day life and I think it's taking its toll on me. My worries are invading my dreams, my head and my fantasies. I keep fantasizing about winning the lottery and not having to worry anymore. I don't think about the great this I could buy or the great that I could buy, but about being okay.
Sometimes just a touch from Sweetie will momentarily bring me back to sanity. But most times, I'm in a dream state, just drifting from one place to another, from one experience to another. That's not to say it isn't me, but sometimes I feel like someone different. It's much better than when I was on the other birth control pills, when I couldn't control my temper and anger, when I rolled my eyes when I should have consoled, when I fought when I should have hugged. Things are better now, but I need them to be even better.
Talking to a doctor just seems stupid. There are no tests to prove if you are crazy, no exams to show you need help. There is no tutor that can help though life and I just feel like I'm spinning out of control.
A lot of it I feel probably has to do with the 6-8 people I know that are pregnant and due between now and September. That's not a lot of people, you might say. People have babies every day, you might say. And yes, I know this. But when so many people close to me are having babies and I still feel like I'm 16 years old, it begins to mess with my head. One of my oldest childhood friends is pregnant and I saw her on Sunday. She looked wonderful, but really big. I asked if I could touch her tummy and she said yes. Doing so creeped me out. It put me in a daze I'm not sure I'm out of yet. It scares me. It honestly does. I watched a show called "16 and Pregnant" on MTV and got the shit really scared out of me.
I know Sweetie will be ready before I am, but part of me worries that I'll never be ready. The coworker said that when you don't think you are ready, you more than likely are. I don't think that's true and even the mere suggestion makes me almost want to hurl. I can't really explain it. All I know is that babies are fun; I like to play with them, but my FAVORITE part is giving them back to their parents. And I know I joke around about that, but its the gods to honest truth. I am actually afraid of babies. About where they come from and about the process that creates them.
I am afraid for the future of our lives, with the talk of war with North Korea and Iran. I actually ignore that section of the news so I don't deepen the pit that is this daze. Death is not something I can discuss well and it is the "unfortunate side effect of war" as so many would put it. And having children just means that they'll die in the long run as well, which is probably what this is all about.
As you can see as I've turned off the comments section. I just needed a place to write, a place to type and a place to let loose. Talking usually helps with this, but since I have no idea what the problem is, it's hard to discuss.
