This was the first Disney movie to receive a PG rating and I have to admit, the villain in this movie is probably Disney's scariest. He looks like the crypt keeper but with an evil-er voice and glowing red eyes. At first look, I thought he was death incarnate.
In any case, the movie opens and we learn about the Black Cauldron. It's got an evil magic to it and whoever controls it will have an army of those that cannot die (Pirates of the Carribean anyone?). The Horned King (the really scary looking bad guy) wants to be able to do this so he can rule the world.
We then meet Taran, the hero of the movie. He seems like an average boy in the Disney 'verse: lanky, white and full of dreams. But then, he opened his mouth. I'm sorry, but Grant Bardsley was the wrong choice for this character. The dialog he was given didn't make things any better. He is woeful and annoying, pitiful and a daydreamer, but not in a good sense. Snow White was a daydreamer, but she was good at it. Taran is terrible. He is an apprenticed pig farmer/watcher-overer or whatever you want to call him. I get that he is British and that's why he sounds the way he does, but come on! No one laments like that! No one whines and complains the way he does. It is such a flash to Belle in Beauty and the Beast. She complains while on the farm, but she does it well. She's strong willed and amazing, he's pathetic and annoying.
In any case, he wants to be a warrior but he's a "pigboy" as it gets mentioned so many times. His pig, Hen Wen, freaks out and we find out that she has magical powers. The main pig keeper man, Dallben, tells him to take Pen Hen into the secret cottage in the forest and keep her there. While out and walking, Taran gets to daydreaming that he's a famous warrior and he loses Hen Wen. Enter Gurgi, a bizzare sort of animal who wants "munchies and crunchies." Hen Wen gets scooped up by a dragon sort of flying animal and taken to some horrible palace. Taran goes after her and, after a bunch of stupidity (including giving in when the Horned King threatens to chop Hen Wen's head off. All I could think of was, you idiot! What do you think he's going to do with you when he gets the answer!?), gets locked away in a dungeon after getting Hen Wen to "safety" (he throws her over the side of the castle into the moat), where he begins to feel sorry for himself. He pouts and begins to cry. Fast forward to Aladdin who never does any of the sort and has lived a much harder life than Taran. Again with the lameness of Taran.
Enter Princess Eilonwy, a captured girl with a magical bubble-light-thing. She rescues Taran and they are able to escape with a magical sword and after freeing Fflewddur Fflam, whose purpose I never quite figured out. He was a bard with some sort of weird magical harp. In any case, they all escape and Gurgi shows up to tell them where Hen Wen went. They follow her tracks and find a whirlwind sort of tornado-y thing that takes them to another place, or something. There, they encounter these fairies of some sort (I don't really know why they were there either) and one of the fairies takes them to where the Black Cauldron is.
Then we meet 3 sister witches, Orddu, Orwen and Orgoch, who like to turn people into frogs and eat them. One of them, the largest one with enormous boobs (and we're talking enormous here) falls in love with Fflewddur Fflam, and tries to marry him. At one point, one of her sisters turns him into a frog and he gets lost in the big boobs. And I mean lost, like the image here (sorry, not a great photo, I know)
But you can see her boobs here --------->
In any case, Taran trades the magical sword (which helped them escape the Horned King) for the Cauldron and the Cauldron springs up out of nowhere. The witches then inform us that there is no way to destroy it but you can stop its powers by climbing in, but that you'll never get out alive. Taran, Eilonwy and Fflewddur Fflam are all very depressed because they cannot get stop it and as they start to mope, the Horned King's cronies find them. They take the Cauldron back to the castle and tie up Taran, Eilonwy and Fflewddur Fflam to watch as the world cries in horror.
The image is quite what you'd expect of these dead soldiers, especially if you've seen Pirates.
Gurgi had run away and comes back to untie the three heroes. Gurgi realizes he has no friends and thus would be sacrificing nothing and jumps into the Cauldron. The Horned King realizes something is wrong when his soldiers begin dying and goes back to see what's going on. The Horned King gets sucked into the Cauldron and everything is well again.
Then the three witches show up again. They want the Cauldron for whatever reason and decide to take it. Fflewddur Fflam agrees to trade with them and they offer Taran the sword. Taran turns them down, saying that he'd rather have Gurgi back, realizing that Gurgi is indeed the true hero. They grant his request and Gurgi returns, alive and happy. Gurgi makes Taran and Eilonwy kiss and then the movie ends.
REALLY? REALLY? Disney, for gods sakes! Get a grip! The 80s must have been wrought with really bad ideas if this is what came out of it. Although, I can't even say that because apparently, from the first time this was mentioned, it took 12 years to make, so really, the problem was in the 70s? Ugh. What a terrible movie. Nothing was explained, nothing made any sense. There was no reason for the weird fairies or for Fflewddur Fflam. There was almost no point to the entire story!
And while Eilonwy attempts to be a strong character, it seems almost like the 80s TV backlash against women was coming through in the movie as well. She was the one who got them out of the castle, having been a prisoner herself, but then she cries when Taran calls her a "silly girl, even if she is a Princess." How ridiculous is that?
UGH
UGH
UGH
UGH
I'm glad it's over. I never have to see it again. Although, I'm a little worried as Sweetie says Chicken Little is worse. Oy.
Next week, another movie I've never seen. The Great Mouse Detective. 'Til then....
But you can see her boobs here --------->
In any case, Taran trades the magical sword (which helped them escape the Horned King) for the Cauldron and the Cauldron springs up out of nowhere. The witches then inform us that there is no way to destroy it but you can stop its powers by climbing in, but that you'll never get out alive. Taran, Eilonwy and Fflewddur Fflam are all very depressed because they cannot get stop it and as they start to mope, the Horned King's cronies find them. They take the Cauldron back to the castle and tie up Taran, Eilonwy and Fflewddur Fflam to watch as the world cries in horror.
The image is quite what you'd expect of these dead soldiers, especially if you've seen Pirates.
Gurgi had run away and comes back to untie the three heroes. Gurgi realizes he has no friends and thus would be sacrificing nothing and jumps into the Cauldron. The Horned King realizes something is wrong when his soldiers begin dying and goes back to see what's going on. The Horned King gets sucked into the Cauldron and everything is well again.Then the three witches show up again. They want the Cauldron for whatever reason and decide to take it. Fflewddur Fflam agrees to trade with them and they offer Taran the sword. Taran turns them down, saying that he'd rather have Gurgi back, realizing that Gurgi is indeed the true hero. They grant his request and Gurgi returns, alive and happy. Gurgi makes Taran and Eilonwy kiss and then the movie ends.
REALLY? REALLY? Disney, for gods sakes! Get a grip! The 80s must have been wrought with really bad ideas if this is what came out of it. Although, I can't even say that because apparently, from the first time this was mentioned, it took 12 years to make, so really, the problem was in the 70s? Ugh. What a terrible movie. Nothing was explained, nothing made any sense. There was no reason for the weird fairies or for Fflewddur Fflam. There was almost no point to the entire story!
And while Eilonwy attempts to be a strong character, it seems almost like the 80s TV backlash against women was coming through in the movie as well. She was the one who got them out of the castle, having been a prisoner herself, but then she cries when Taran calls her a "silly girl, even if she is a Princess." How ridiculous is that?
UGH
UGH
UGH
UGH
I'm glad it's over. I never have to see it again. Although, I'm a little worried as Sweetie says Chicken Little is worse. Oy.
Next week, another movie I've never seen. The Great Mouse Detective. 'Til then....
No comments:
Post a Comment