The Stupid Meter is on High Today

For some reason, I thought that the article on YahooShine entitled "12 Things to Talk about on Date Night (Besides the Kids!)" would have proved to give more information than stupidity. I suppose I should have known, we are talking about Shine here.

Let's go over the (proper, and it's sad that I have to write that) way you actually get to the kids phase. You meet someone. You find them interesting in one way or another. You talk, get to know each other. You spend hours on the phone and in each other's presences trying to figure out if this is the right person for you. Then one of you suggests getting married/having a commitment ceremony. The other accepts. The ceremony is planned, the honeymoon set. You get back, wait a determined amount of time (different for each couple) and decide to have kids. You have them, your world is swallowed up by them and then, it's time for date night.

You get a baby-sitter, you go out to dinner/show/movie/etc. But oh no! What in the world should you talk about? I know! How about the first two things on the list? Your goals and your childhood. Because there is no way in the process of getting to know each other that you didn't discuss what it was like to grow up. You've never mentioned to your significant other about how you used to watch the Brady Bunch with your family or how you weren't allowed to watch the Simpsons when you were a kid. Wow! What an amazing idea! Your childhood! And wait, let's not forget those goals. There's no way you forgot to mention that you'd like to be a lumberjack (insert singing here) and move to the forest. How could that possibly have slipped your mind during the ceremony planning process?

The third idea is TV and movies. Oh lordy be, one of them talkin' picture boxes? It sure would be nice if pa would hep you out and buy one of dem thaings. Then baby Jonnie-Ray would be able to learn his A, B, Cs from that funny lookin' yellow bird. Something tells me that as a parent, after the kids go to sleep, you'd like to zone out to some TV. And while you might only see movies after they're on DVD, I'm sure that you've discussed which ones to buy before running out and purchasing them.

Number four on the list is your friends. Really? You don't EVER talk to your significant other about your friends? In the information age of twitter, facebook, the iphone and the droid, this is just absurd. Unless you're going to gossip about how Sally Sue and Bob Smith are both cheating on each other, something tells me this has already been discussed. And the same goes for point number ten - Your family. Maybe your significant other doesn't want to hear about your sister's ingrown toenail over soup. Or you don't want to hear about their brother's inability to get it up. Or why Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Arnie are getting a divorce. Why would you need to discuss this on a night out?

Number five on the list is Home Improvement Projects. Yes, because while you are away from the house, what you both want to be thinking about is the closet full of crap that you can't find any place for because one or both of you won't build/buy the damn storage container that sits outside. Because you need to harp on how they haven't fixed the drain and they need to complain about your inability to tell the paper boy to stop throwing the paper in the mud on purpose.

Number six is sports. Yes, on a night out, away from everything, gazing into each other's eyes, please bring up how Getzlaf sprained his ankle but thank heavens he'll still be able to play. It's just so romantic.

Number seven is your next vacation. Now, why would you want to discuss this without your children? Don't you think that this is something they might want to weigh in about? If you have decided that you'll be going to Montgomery, Alabama but one of your kids wants to make the trek to Marceline, Missouri, why not?

Number eight deals with politics. My argument against this would be the same as for the sports, unless arguing gets you both hot and bothered. Then, by all means, enjoy.

Number nine is celebrities. Again, same rationale as for the sports. Except this doesn't really impact your lives. So why bother? Who cares if Paris Hilton got a new nose or if Heidi Montag's left buttcheek fell off again. It's not romantic and it does not belong on your night out.

Number eleven is Life Before Kids. Because you need to reminisce about how wonderful things were when there were no children. Reminds me too much of The Way by Fastball. Seems dumb also, because then you go home and realize that you still have to feed the dog and make lunches for tomorrow and that you can never escape the life you have now.

The last point is your love. And yes, I think this is a fine thing to discuss.

As for a different list of what to talk about on a date night without the kids, why don't you just try to figure it out on your own? Because if you need a list to tell you things to talk to the person you are supposed to be deeply in love with, something tells me that the relationship just isn't going to last.