Drifting

This past year has thrown so much at us. Where to even begin?

The fall out after the election and the disgusting nature of that idiot in charge. His abandonment of intelligent ideas, his fleshing out of stupidity, and his ability to corral the worst in our society. It takes a toll on your soul.

We lose friends. They move, they distance themselves for whatever reason. We hurt, we cry, it takes its toll on our souls.

We try to connect, to build something where there is nothing. We don't try hard, because we know it's fleeting.

When we do try, they leave, they move, and at least our saving grace is we didn't get close.

But how does a child live through this? Through the abandonment of friends, through the death of family, through the movement of life? I recall as a child where my family lost 22 people in 20 months. How did we survive? How many did I truly know? I'm no worse for the wear, but my sister was. Because she was younger, because she went, she witnessed the sadness, the toll it took on others, and lived through the toll on her soul.

How do we persist?

Through climate issues, garbage issues, issues that feel so existential that you don't understand how to write about them?

Through the capitalist greed, through the money motivation, and through the feeling that you're not good enough if you're not worth enough.

How do we survive?

The children (yes they are still children) of Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School give us hope. To see the future, to know the change is coming, to know that we have raised some of these kids right.

But how to find hope, to find camaraderie? How to find that small niche of a person who fits your family like a glove? To understand and truly know you?

Instead we drift in space. Our souls are in orbit, colliding with each other, but not staying long enough to even exchange pleasantries. We smile, we nod, but we don't connect.

How to live?

How?

#MeToo

The #metoo campaign has been strong and powerful, but it's not really enough because it, yet again, puts the onus on the woman, which is completely and totally unacceptable, which speaks to this graphic:

While we'd like to see men sit there and say "I've done these horrible things and am trying to make amends by teaching others that my behavior is unacceptable and not doing them again," instead we get the bullshit "not all men" answer.

We also get crappy answers from supposed feminists like Mayim Bialik saying "I dress modestly. I don’t act flirtatiously with men as a policy." And then when she's called out for her offensive and ridiculous statements, she goes on to say "Anyone who knows me and my feminism knows that's absurd and not at all what this piece was about." It's not my job to know her. I can only take what she says at it's face value, which was a blaming accusation against women who dare to be themselves.

An artist named Arvida Byström posed as part of Adidas' most recent campaign where she posed alongside her natural body hair. She got rape threats from this campaign, which is, again, totally awful. But her response about it had one of the most eye-opening statements I think I've eve read. "I do think it is a problem that men use sexually violent language when women doesn’t abide." In case you didn't know, the definition of abide is to bear patiently, to endure without yielding. This is the greatest explanation of how I've been feeling. In this regard, men are not asking us to accept but to abide, to stand by while they feel better about themselves. And when we try to fight back, when we try to tell them the horrible things they've been doing, they whine and whimper that "not all men are like that" or that we're "offending" the "good guys" by lumping them together with the bad ones.

A friend of mine put it beautifully:

There are no good men. As long as we live in a world where any man at anytime can assault women and femmes and be believed, none of us can be "good ones."
As long as any man can be believed as part of the discrediting of women or femmes in their fight for sexual autonomy, none of us are "good."

I am generally an open book. Ask and ye shall receive. But with this campaign, I don't feel empowered. I feel vulnerable. Like by somehow outing myself with the rest of the strong, powerful, amazing women I've seen partake in this movement, I've lost something of myself. So I choose not to post. I choose to spectate and love my fellow women brave enough to stand up. And hopefully, by supporting them, I'll feel support too.

Consent

We talk about the fact that rape culture is taught to children at a young age and that it influences the rest of their lives. We tell our girls that they don't have the rights to their own bodies in incredible ways that we don't even notice.

The other day I had a horrifying experience that truly helped me realize how freaking screwed up this is.

Took my kiddo (MK) to the zoo with another mom friend (MF) and her two kids (FK1 and FK2) who are on either side of MK in age. FK1 wanted to hold MK's hand but MK wasn't having any of it. FK1 got slightly insistent (as insistent as you can get at 4 years old) but MK didn't let up. FK1 got upset and began crying to the point that MF had to pick up FK1 and give comfort. (FK2 wanted to hold hands too but is too young to get as upset)

MF explained to FK1 that MK didn't feel like holding hands and that it was okay, that MK still liked FK1 and it wasn't about FK1. FK1 calmed down and, eventually, everything went back to normal. Later on in the day they held hands as they went running about, dropping as they ran at times. No one was upset or hurt or confused.

In my head though, my brain was screaming at itself. I watched the scene and thought to myself, MK, why not just hold FK1's hand? What is it going to hurt? When FK1 got upset and started crying, I almost went over to MK and explained how upset FK1 was and that it would be nice to hold hands. But I did nothing. And I'm so fucking glad I did nothing.

This is how it starts.

Had I stepped in, I would have been teetering on a tense issue. I could have set a terrible precedent, that MK should give into others when they feel uncomfortable. I would have quietly taught MK that it is their job to please others, to go against what they want and how they feel.

By doing nothing, I told MK that MK's body is theirs. They don't owe anyone anything. By explaining to FK1 that MK doesn't have to do anything they don't want to, FK1 will learn that they need to wait until people are ready to do things and not to force someone to do something they're not comfortable with.

I have always told MK when going to people's houses or seeing family that they do not need to give hugs and kisses. However, they need to acknowledge people. The phrase I like to use is "you need to say hello/goodbye either with your hand or with your mouth." A wave is perfectly acceptable as is blowing kisses or simply saying a quick "hi." Acknowledgement is important, it teaches our children that all people are important and worth greeting.

Fortunately, I know I'm not alone in this attitude. There are plenty of other people who agree with this concept.

But the fact that I had this argument in my head makes me so angry.

As angry as I was at myself while watching Netflix's Jessica Jones. By the end of episode 8 (AKA WWJD?), I wanted them to work out. I wanted Kilgrave to be good and for her to make him good and for her to stay with him to make it happen. I wanted them to fall in love and live happily ever after, like it was a fucking fairy tale and they could ride off into the sunset. Watching the end of episode 13 (AKA Smile) where Kilgrave says "My God. It's finally over. You're mine now. No more fighting. No more of these ugly displays. You'll be with me now. Look, after a while...however long it takes...I know...I know you will feel what I feel." made my skin crawl, my entire body wanted to run away from my skin.

But that's rape culture for you. Women have been trained that they want so badly to please the man that their wants and desires and hopes go smashing out the window.

Remember

by age 6, girls are less likely than boys to think that they can be brilliant and by the time they are 15, they conform to social expectations, gender stereotypes, gender roles and lack of role models as they turn away from STEM fields. (An entire explanation can be provided here.)

Do I think lack of education on consent leads to a lack of women in Science? No, but rape culture extends further than we'd like. And perhaps by starting to accept our children's choices we can be sure that they accept others' opinions and choices in the future.

EDIT: As I posted this, the following dialog appeared: "European Union laws require you to give European Union visitors information about cookies used on your blog. In many cases, these laws also require you to obtain consent. 

As a courtesy, we have added a notice on your blog to explain Google's use of certain Blogger and Google cookies, including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies. 

You are responsible for confirming this notice actually works for your blog, and that it displays. If you employ other cookies, for example by adding third party features, this notice may not work for you. Learn more about this notice and your responsibilities."

Blogger gets it.

A quarter of a century

Yesterday I turned 25.

It was a really nice day. Work was busy and I was constantly being interrupted by the 50+ text messages from people on facebook wishing me a happy birthday, which was amazing. It's incredible that so many people form all walks of life come together on facebook to join in on your birthday and wish you many happy returns. Even people I haven't seen in over 15 years were wishing me happy birthday, which is quite amazing since I last saw them in 5th grade.

I went out to dinner with Sweetie on Sunday and then Sweetie and I went out with my parents and my sister yesterday (to seriously one of the most amazing restaurants I've been to).

It amazes me that there can be so much love in my small part of the world and yet so much hate in the rest of it.

In the last few weeks, there have been far too many reports of teens taking their lives because of being bullied due to their sexual orientation. Since September 28th, 21 year old Jeanine Blanchette and 17 year old Chantal Dube from Canada; 17 year old Felix Sacco from Saugus, MA; 15 year old Harrison Chase Brown from Rand, CO; Caleb Nolt from Fort Wayne, IN; 19 year old Raymond Chase from Monticello, NY; Asher Brown from Texas; 19 year old Tyler Clementi from Rutgers University; Seth Walsh from Tehachapi, CA; and 8th grade Asher Brown from Texas have all taken their own lives due to this tragic situation.

These poor people, who did not live to be my age, had lives that were filled with hate and with anger from people who reinforced the ideals that different is wrong and that tolerance and acceptance are wrong ways of living. They were pushed and hurt to the point that nothing anyone could do seemed to be a way out, so they found their own. The schools didn't step in to stop the bullying, the parents of the students doing the bullying seem to have said "well, kids will be kids" (Kathy Griffin's words) and the bullies themselves seem to think that this is okay.

That is one thing I don't think I'll ever understand. Why bullying someone is okay. Why beating someone up is okay. Why ANY of this is okay, in ANYONE'S understanding of the world.

Why is it okay to hurt someone because they are not like you?

I suppose this would explain my confusion to racism, sexism, ageism, bigotry and xenophobia.

Back to my birthday.

Last night, Margaret Cho was on dancing with the stars and she brought this subject to light for millions of people who may not have otherwise known about it. See her dance and at around 5:50 hear her plea to end this abomination.

I don't know that I would have used the words that Sarah Silverman did, but it's hard to disagree with her. Children do not create intolerance within themselves. It is a learned behavior, one that gets passed down from parent to child.

Just as we are angry in America with hatred and violence being perpetrated in other countries against us by people who are taught from the time they could walk that Americans are evil and infidels, so to should we be angry at the perpetrators of hatred in this country.

For those who spew vile and hateful things, your time to have the airways is slowing down. How anyone could kiss their children good-night with a mouth that spews arrogance and hatred, bigotry and lies, intolerance and hegemonic statements boggles my mind.

And yes, to COMPLETELY generalize, those who tend to make those statements tend to make them with a religiously backed protocol.

There's only one problem with this (and I know I'm preaching to the choir with the readers I have, but bear with me):

JESUS
PREACHED
LOVE

Remember "turn the other cheek" and "love the sinner, hate the sin"? What do you have to say to that Fred Phelps? What do you have to say to that Uganda? What do you say to that Steven L. Anderson? How about you Pepsi?

According to the Beatles, Love is All You Need. It's such a shame that no one seemed to listen.

Self-Awareness

Sweetie and I have been watching all the episodes of Roseanne in order. Here and there we skipped a few (like the stupid ones or the ones where someone died), but one of them really struck a chord with me.

Season 9, as people who watched Roseanne know, is fake. The season wraps up with Roseanne sharing that most of the series has been her writings. In any case, one episode in season 9 is called "Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti" and has the Connor family meeting the Wentworth family from Martha's Vineyard. In typical Roseanne fashion, she shows people how they could benefit from the lower class life style - in this case, yelling to relieve stress and pressure instead of drinking and taking pills.

One of the characters, Astrid, is an interesting character study. She is also the most light-hearted of the bunch, associates with people that are not of her class and, most importantly, is worried her family hates her because she was on a boat with her late father when he died. As her mother puts it "no dear, Daddy just fell off the boat." She seems to torment herself because of this.

As Roseanne is teaching them all to yell, Astrid seems to be a natural. She twirls about as she screams "whoo-hoo." Jackie, Roseanne's sister who has accompanied her on this trip, mentions that she doesn't think that was the first time Astrid has yelled. Astrid assures her it is and Jackie asks her to do it again. When she does, she gets up in Jackie's face and says "I SAID NO DADDY!"

This episode originally aired on November 12, 1996. I would have been 11 at this point and since I was old enough, I was watching these episodes live with my parents. From the time I was 11, I understood what that meant. It's not something I was taught, it was not something I learned from my parents (i.e. either from it happening to me [which it didn't] or having a conversation with my parents about it [which we hadn't had yet]); it was just something I knew. And that sort of scares me.

To know something that adult at such a young age is a bit odd. I've always thought of myself as progressive; as someone who thought outside the box when it comes to social issues. I just didn't know how far it went back.

And this mostly scares me because, while I wasn't affected by it (especially since it didn't happen to me), it was something I innately knew. It wasn't something that was a nurtured thing; this was nature. And if that's what nature offers, shouldn't we all know that things like this are wrong? Or am I just special somehow?

We try to shield our children (you know mine, non-existent Sally and non-existent Suzie) from the terrors of the world and human fallibility. But maybe we don't need to. If it's something so ingrained in our personage, maybe that can lead to better conversations with our children.

Just a thought.

The Stupid Meter is on High Today

For some reason, I thought that the article on YahooShine entitled "12 Things to Talk about on Date Night (Besides the Kids!)" would have proved to give more information than stupidity. I suppose I should have known, we are talking about Shine here.

Let's go over the (proper, and it's sad that I have to write that) way you actually get to the kids phase. You meet someone. You find them interesting in one way or another. You talk, get to know each other. You spend hours on the phone and in each other's presences trying to figure out if this is the right person for you. Then one of you suggests getting married/having a commitment ceremony. The other accepts. The ceremony is planned, the honeymoon set. You get back, wait a determined amount of time (different for each couple) and decide to have kids. You have them, your world is swallowed up by them and then, it's time for date night.

You get a baby-sitter, you go out to dinner/show/movie/etc. But oh no! What in the world should you talk about? I know! How about the first two things on the list? Your goals and your childhood. Because there is no way in the process of getting to know each other that you didn't discuss what it was like to grow up. You've never mentioned to your significant other about how you used to watch the Brady Bunch with your family or how you weren't allowed to watch the Simpsons when you were a kid. Wow! What an amazing idea! Your childhood! And wait, let's not forget those goals. There's no way you forgot to mention that you'd like to be a lumberjack (insert singing here) and move to the forest. How could that possibly have slipped your mind during the ceremony planning process?

The third idea is TV and movies. Oh lordy be, one of them talkin' picture boxes? It sure would be nice if pa would hep you out and buy one of dem thaings. Then baby Jonnie-Ray would be able to learn his A, B, Cs from that funny lookin' yellow bird. Something tells me that as a parent, after the kids go to sleep, you'd like to zone out to some TV. And while you might only see movies after they're on DVD, I'm sure that you've discussed which ones to buy before running out and purchasing them.

Number four on the list is your friends. Really? You don't EVER talk to your significant other about your friends? In the information age of twitter, facebook, the iphone and the droid, this is just absurd. Unless you're going to gossip about how Sally Sue and Bob Smith are both cheating on each other, something tells me this has already been discussed. And the same goes for point number ten - Your family. Maybe your significant other doesn't want to hear about your sister's ingrown toenail over soup. Or you don't want to hear about their brother's inability to get it up. Or why Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Arnie are getting a divorce. Why would you need to discuss this on a night out?

Number five on the list is Home Improvement Projects. Yes, because while you are away from the house, what you both want to be thinking about is the closet full of crap that you can't find any place for because one or both of you won't build/buy the damn storage container that sits outside. Because you need to harp on how they haven't fixed the drain and they need to complain about your inability to tell the paper boy to stop throwing the paper in the mud on purpose.

Number six is sports. Yes, on a night out, away from everything, gazing into each other's eyes, please bring up how Getzlaf sprained his ankle but thank heavens he'll still be able to play. It's just so romantic.

Number seven is your next vacation. Now, why would you want to discuss this without your children? Don't you think that this is something they might want to weigh in about? If you have decided that you'll be going to Montgomery, Alabama but one of your kids wants to make the trek to Marceline, Missouri, why not?

Number eight deals with politics. My argument against this would be the same as for the sports, unless arguing gets you both hot and bothered. Then, by all means, enjoy.

Number nine is celebrities. Again, same rationale as for the sports. Except this doesn't really impact your lives. So why bother? Who cares if Paris Hilton got a new nose or if Heidi Montag's left buttcheek fell off again. It's not romantic and it does not belong on your night out.

Number eleven is Life Before Kids. Because you need to reminisce about how wonderful things were when there were no children. Reminds me too much of The Way by Fastball. Seems dumb also, because then you go home and realize that you still have to feed the dog and make lunches for tomorrow and that you can never escape the life you have now.

The last point is your love. And yes, I think this is a fine thing to discuss.

As for a different list of what to talk about on a date night without the kids, why don't you just try to figure it out on your own? Because if you need a list to tell you things to talk to the person you are supposed to be deeply in love with, something tells me that the relationship just isn't going to last.

Props to One Life to Live

I saw this on feministing (www.feministing.com since I can't make it link) and had to share.

Love making scenes are formulaic when it comes to Soap Operas. You do have a few options (whether its in a bed or outside I suppose), but mostly, its the soft core porn that (most) women eat up. There is the wonderful mood lighting, candles, champagne, tender kissing, removal of a few articles of clothing, then the couple moves to the bed and then there is the aftershot of them snuggling.

I LOVE that One Life to Live didn't change the formula for Oliver and Kyle. Yes its two men but the message is the same, the way it was shot was the same and there was no "ew, they're men" sentiment to it.

"Why is rape even a crime?"

I can't even imagine this situation. The whole thing is mind-boggling, mind-blowing and beyond ridiculous.

On top of that, I think this situation brings up something the coworker and I talked about yesterday. The words rape, sexual assault, date rape, etc. are used in terrible, horrible situations. But who are the used by? They are used by those the event happened to, those that it adversely affected. But is the media affected? So many times in our society, that which we call rape is called a "sexual experience" or it is said that the two (sometimes even mentioned as "the couple") had "intimate relations." No. I'm sorry. When these articles surface, it is because someone did something wrong. Coworker mentioned how the same goes for terrorism as well as some other problems society has. I suppose it has to do with the media not wanting to worry people, but at the same time, it's like, why is rape even a crime? If it does not get prosecuted as such, if it is not talked about as such and if we use lesser words to discuss the topic, doesn't it seem like we are brushing the issue aside? Or perhaps just trying to say that it's not a big deal because, well, he's famous (i.e. Kobe Bryant) or he's respected or he's a bit older or it's in a country we don't care about (i.e. the amount of rapes that happen in Africa that are NEVER reported or talked about).

This also leads to the conversation about how else we use the word rape thus lessening it's potency. When a man is a bad kisser, he can sometimes be referred to as "raping her face" (Sex and the City). I know from others (coworker included) that the term is widely thrown around in the gaming world. Sometimes, people use it instead of the word raid as in "you raped my kitchen. Now I have no food" or "it looks like the rabbits really raped my garden." These comments simply lesson the impact the word has. This goes for the Holocaust as well. No longer is it something to be feared, something to worry about. It is thrown around so simply, it's as though they could be the word potato.

Words are so important in our society and its so important to use the correct words when we speak and when we write. It's too bad that the media doesn't feel the same way.

Rites vs. Rights

Such an interesting topic.

I know how I feel about it, but sometimes its interesting to see what the other side has to say. I still think they're crazy and wrong, but maybe I can understand why they think they way they do.

The dark side of Dubai

What an amazing article. The comments are what you'd expect, but the article is amazing, depressing and humanizing.