Consent

We talk about the fact that rape culture is taught to children at a young age and that it influences the rest of their lives. We tell our girls that they don't have the rights to their own bodies in incredible ways that we don't even notice.

The other day I had a horrifying experience that truly helped me realize how freaking screwed up this is.

Took my kiddo (MK) to the zoo with another mom friend (MF) and her two kids (FK1 and FK2) who are on either side of MK in age. FK1 wanted to hold MK's hand but MK wasn't having any of it. FK1 got slightly insistent (as insistent as you can get at 4 years old) but MK didn't let up. FK1 got upset and began crying to the point that MF had to pick up FK1 and give comfort. (FK2 wanted to hold hands too but is too young to get as upset)

MF explained to FK1 that MK didn't feel like holding hands and that it was okay, that MK still liked FK1 and it wasn't about FK1. FK1 calmed down and, eventually, everything went back to normal. Later on in the day they held hands as they went running about, dropping as they ran at times. No one was upset or hurt or confused.

In my head though, my brain was screaming at itself. I watched the scene and thought to myself, MK, why not just hold FK1's hand? What is it going to hurt? When FK1 got upset and started crying, I almost went over to MK and explained how upset FK1 was and that it would be nice to hold hands. But I did nothing. And I'm so fucking glad I did nothing.

This is how it starts.

Had I stepped in, I would have been teetering on a tense issue. I could have set a terrible precedent, that MK should give into others when they feel uncomfortable. I would have quietly taught MK that it is their job to please others, to go against what they want and how they feel.

By doing nothing, I told MK that MK's body is theirs. They don't owe anyone anything. By explaining to FK1 that MK doesn't have to do anything they don't want to, FK1 will learn that they need to wait until people are ready to do things and not to force someone to do something they're not comfortable with.

I have always told MK when going to people's houses or seeing family that they do not need to give hugs and kisses. However, they need to acknowledge people. The phrase I like to use is "you need to say hello/goodbye either with your hand or with your mouth." A wave is perfectly acceptable as is blowing kisses or simply saying a quick "hi." Acknowledgement is important, it teaches our children that all people are important and worth greeting.

Fortunately, I know I'm not alone in this attitude. There are plenty of other people who agree with this concept.

But the fact that I had this argument in my head makes me so angry.

As angry as I was at myself while watching Netflix's Jessica Jones. By the end of episode 8 (AKA WWJD?), I wanted them to work out. I wanted Kilgrave to be good and for her to make him good and for her to stay with him to make it happen. I wanted them to fall in love and live happily ever after, like it was a fucking fairy tale and they could ride off into the sunset. Watching the end of episode 13 (AKA Smile) where Kilgrave says "My God. It's finally over. You're mine now. No more fighting. No more of these ugly displays. You'll be with me now. Look, after a while...however long it takes...I know...I know you will feel what I feel." made my skin crawl, my entire body wanted to run away from my skin.

But that's rape culture for you. Women have been trained that they want so badly to please the man that their wants and desires and hopes go smashing out the window.

Remember

by age 6, girls are less likely than boys to think that they can be brilliant and by the time they are 15, they conform to social expectations, gender stereotypes, gender roles and lack of role models as they turn away from STEM fields. (An entire explanation can be provided here.)

Do I think lack of education on consent leads to a lack of women in Science? No, but rape culture extends further than we'd like. And perhaps by starting to accept our children's choices we can be sure that they accept others' opinions and choices in the future.

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